How Can I Tell Which Guy I Should Date?
Dear Philippa,
It's been a while since I've dated
anyone and I've just started meeting some men from the Internet. I'm
enjoying the attention and conversation but I don't know where it goes
from here. How do you know which one to meet again and should I hold out
for someone better, etc.
—Leslie, Virginia Beach, VA
Dear Leslie,
Congratulations for getting out
there again. It sounds like you have the right attitude about meeting
men. You're enjoying yourself and that's the most important sign that
you're doing the right thing.
I also like that you seem to be
focusing on yourself in this process instead of doing what many people
do, which is to twist themselves into a pretzel trying to figure if
the other person likes them or how to get the other person to like
them. Which brings me to your question: How can you tell which guy you
should be seeing again? My short answer is that it's all a matter of
how you feel when you are around these guys.
By focusing on how you feel, you
tune into your instincts. You can look past the outer packaging, the
physical impressions that can get in the way of your better judgment.
Mr. Right may not appear as your usual physical type.
The other reason for tuning into
how you feel does is that it helps you connect at the all-important
emotional level, not just the analytical level. Most people have a
subconscious checklist in their mind when they are meeting someone
new. It may be that they want someone with certain looks or someone
who shares certain interests.
Trouble with the checklists is that
even if the person you fits all your criteria, there still may be no
real connection at the emotional and chemistry level.
Having interests in common is good
for conversation, but it is not the chief barometer for compatibility.
You can always teach someone a sport or share an interest with a
friend. What matters is that your style, the way you relate to the
world, your passions—the things that make
your heart sing, your values and your goals need to be somewhat in
alignment.
And frankly, you can't cover all
that territory during a first date. That kind of information unfolds
with time. So what you are really looking for are some markers,
positive indicators that this is the kind of person that you want to
meet again.
At this stage you aren't even
deciding which one of these men is right, because your best approach
is to date several people at the same time. Let the guys you meet know
that you are in this discovery stage, figuring out whom you want to
spend time with. This has the added benefit of demonstrating that you
aren't desperately searching for someone, which will make you even
more appealing. It also gives the guys the same option, so they can
discern who their Ms. Right is at the same time. If you compare notes
as you go through the process, you'll build a friendship. Then when
you are both know what you want and it seems to be each other, well,
the celebrating becomes the best part.
For now just enjoy the process and
focus on how you are feeling. You may or may not meet Mr. Right
through this whole thing. It may be a Mr. Right for right now. It
doesn't matter as long as you are enjoying yourself and learning to
recognize the kind of guys who are best for you. Enjoy the journey.
—Philippa
Philippa Courtney
