I found it hard to describe how to have sex (since it’s a
subject that can fill the Kama-Sutra and 1000 other books,
so I decided to include some rules on what not to do
during it. Remember, it is about pleasing her, not just
yourself.
- Not kissing first.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight
for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by
the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out
nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form
of foreplay.
- Blowing too hard in her ear.
Admit it, some kid at school
told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between
being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish
the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.
- Not shaving.
You often forget you have a porcupine
strapped to your chin, which you rake repeatedly across your
partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side
to side, it’s not passion, it’s avoidance.
- Squeezing her breast.
Most men act like a housewife
testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a
pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.
- Biting her nipples.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s
nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her
body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They
can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently.
Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re
a doggie toy isn’t.
- Twiddling her nipples.
Stop doing that thing where you
twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re
trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the
whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.
- Ignoring the other parts of her body.
A woman is not a
highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West,
and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body,
which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing
straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
attention.
- Getting the hand trapped.
Poor manual dexterity in the
underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and
underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask
her to take the damn things off.
- Leaving her a little present.
Condom disposal is the
man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
- Attacking the clitoris.
Direct pressure is very
unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the
clitoris.
